Sometimes I just sit here and think. No one really cares that I do because they’re under the assumption that if I cannot get out of this blue recliner without my walker or an arm underneath my elbow, I’m not who I used to be. If I have to ask for tea, because each day those stairs get a little bit steeper, I’m undeserving. I can hear the cars that run on the highway behind the house. I remember a time when that might have been me – then it was the side roads, then it was this recliner, my purse replaced with a silver walker that’s slow to move across these carpeted floors. There wasn’t much more to take – my freedom was already gone, replaced by a room that’s always full.
But from this chair I still breathe.
Last night I dreamed that I was home again, that my TV was purring softly in the background and I was cooking in a kitchen that I’ve missed for almost three years. When I opened my eyes, you were there, wide awake, half-smile hanging off chubby cheeks and eyelids twitching excitedly. I had to grin, because regardless of your feelings toward life, they never changed toward me. Although I wanted to beg for more sleep, to squeeze my eyes shut and disappear back into my kitchen, I grabbed your arm. With my free hand, I stabilized myself on my walker and allowed you to pull me out of bed.
“Morning, Grandma,” you whispered happily, and we trudged steadily through our normal morning routine. I got my toast and my tea, and you left for school, left me holding the remote in my hand and balancing a plate on my lap. It is how I’ve been since, only getting up to use the restroom, but I want to.
I want to open the blinds and look into the world past the four unchanging white walls of this house. I want to stand on the front porch without my walker and breathe in the fresh, dewy smell of another new day. The reality of the moment is that I never will. I won’t leave this house unless it’s in an ambulance. I won’t breathe in the sweet morning air, and I won’t open the blinds. I won’t wake up in my house tomorrow surrounded by the aroma of stew I cooked myself or drink a cup of green tea from my own pot. I’ll watch the world outside from my own, inside, blinds closed tight and the glow of the TV on my face, receiving verification of life from the very same screen I have watched every day for the last three years.
When you get home, you’ll tell me about your day, and then we’ll talk about mine: the shows I watched, the books I read; and you’ll take it in with such interest that when I finish, I’ll keep going, telling the story of the one time I took a road trip to California, savoring each image as it returns to me. Even though you’ve heard it before, you’ll act like it’s your first time. Then, I’ll sigh, and I’ll close my eyes, realizing that each passing minute I’m separating myself further from my old life and delving deeper into this new one – reliving each memory, taking in each day, breathing in each breath – from this chair.
By Chance